


swallowing up my heart

by keepthekettleon



Series: Post 2x18 Malec Feels [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt No Comfort, IT'S NOT A BREAKUP, M/M, Magnus Bane-centric, Magnus' side of the story, Song Lyrics, This Far by Kina Grannis, post 2x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 13:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11692488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepthekettleon/pseuds/keepthekettleon
Summary: Magnus leaves and realizes that Alec might have misunderstood him.Post 2x18. This time from Magnus' perspective.Song: This Far - Kina GrannisI am sorry. This is me dealing with my PMS, so feelings overload.





	swallowing up my heart

**Author's Note:**

> It doesn't matter if you read the Magnus or the Alec part first. But you should read both.

_you knew it’s harder when you hold me_  
_you get me searching for the ceiling_  
_love tried to forget things_  
_it’s so hard_

It doesn’t come to him until the doors of the elevator are almost shut. Until he sees _that_ look on Alec’s face. The rapid blinking of his eyes and the twitching of his mouth as he fights to take a breath. His unfocused stare. It’s the look of a man whose heart has just shattered into a million pieces. But that was never his intention! He needs space, to think, to breathe, to decide what’s best for his people. And with Alexander on the back of his mind, he can’t do that.

But seeing Alec break there, right in front of him? It haunts him all the way back to the loft. And it shatters his own heart into tiny sharp little splinters that poke and prod at the inside of his chest. All the petals are black. He has to decide. Now.

And he figures that he can’t. Because his mind is with Alexander, with the beautiful man that he left standing there in the hallway, who tried so hard not to crack.

The petals are black and Magnus… Magnus cries.

 _so i’ll keep going through the motions_  
_creating comfort where there is none_  
_coming to terms with the notion_  
_i’ll be okay_

But then he gets up. And he gets to work. No matter how much his heart might ache, he’s the High Warlock. This break, as much as it tugs and tears at his hears, it was made for a reason.

The tear-smudged makeup comes off. Carefully, new makeup gets applied. He also switches his clothes. But no matter how hard he tries find his old routine, it doesn’t work. Alec’s face is here, burned into the back of his mind. And his broken whispers seem to fill the silence in his empty loft. _No… no_

 _when rain falls down on me so hard_  
_and winds unraveling me, don’t start_  
_an ocean swallowing up my heart_  
_but i’ve made it this far_

 _Yes you can, we can… we… Magnus, we can figure this out…_ Broken. Oh, by Lilith! Those tiny, broken whispers, hopeful, desperate and…

Magnus stiffens. And then it hits him, and when it does, it hits hard. This is Alec’s first relationship. Alec isn’t familiar with the concept of relationships, he isn’t familiar with the dynamics of relationships and he sure as hell isn’t familiar with what ‘taking a break’ means. Alec thinks they’re over.

All of a sudden, all the puzzle pieces slot together. The desperate undertone in Alec’s voice. The absolute devastation in his eyes as Magnus walked away. It hadn’t fit the picture of a man that didn’t want to be away from his boyfriend for a few weeks. But it absolutely fits the picture of a man who saw the love of his life walk away without even a goodbye.

 _The only think holding me back is you._  
_I can’t have both._  
 _You once asked me what I was afraid of. It’s this._

“I’m sorry, Alexander.” Magnus whispers. “I’m so sorry.” Because how else could Alec have interpreted those sentences? To someone knowing nothing between relationship and breaking up, they must have sounded like breaking up.

“I love you, Alexander. How do I make this right again?”

 _it’s hard to see a happy ending_  
_when you don’t see how you can mend things_  
_but life is long and forgiving_  
_and it goes on and on and on_

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated.
> 
> This is how I deal with my PMS. I won't apologize for the feelings that come with it.


End file.
